By Chase Chauffe
I’m a bit too conscious of time. I tend to check the time incessantly and unnecessarily. I don’t understand why. It’s just a ridiculous habit, you know? Because of my chronometric manner, I often find myself waiting on my friends. When the weekend comes and it’s time to get out and get down, we stumble through the same disorganized ritual. Everyone usually waits at home until around 10:30 p.m. before deciding on a plan of action for the rest of the short evening. Have you ever thought about what a party would be like if it started at 8 p.m.? I find the notion ingenious, but no one else has caught on yet. The routine phone call I receive is always brief.
“Hey, what are you guys doing?”
“Everyone’s over here. Come meet up with us.”
“All right. We’ll be there soon.”
Considering most of my friends live within minutes of my house, it’s reasonable to assume that they would arrive relatively shortly. This is exactly what doesn’t happen, in fact. It isn’t until around, say, 45 minutes later that I’ll decide to make the routine follow-up phone call.
“Hey, where are you guys?”
“We’re leaving, like, right now.”
“Ok well hurry up.”
“We’ll be there in five minutes.”
Surely you, reader, have heard these words before. From your own friends or family, no doubt. I’m talking about that indistinct measurement of “five minutes” that everyone uses incorrectly. No one ever actually shows up within five minutes. What your friends really mean to say is that they’ll arrive in what could potentially be any amount of time no less than five minutes.
“Didn’t they say they were leaving?”
“Yes. That was quite some time ago. Longer than five minutes, even.”
It has now been almost an hour since the first phone call. Fortunately, I am patient. I’ve come to accept the fact that a lot of people I know don’t share my freakish obsession with punctuality. It’s all right. They’re my friends, after all. I don’t mind waiting on them. Please, take your time, friend. I wouldn’t want you to forget your wallet or anything. All I ask is that you give me a more explicit answer. You have to pick up cigarettes at the gas station on the way? Understandable. However, it is undeniable that this will take longer than five minutes.
What’s worse though, is saying you’ll be there in three minutes. We’ve established so far that saying “five minutes” is like giving a variable. If this variable represents an amount of time greater than five minutes, proclaiming you’ll arrive in three minutes suggests at least some difference. If you insist on saying three instead of five, then you should be assertive enough in your opinion that you will arrive before five minutes has passed. Sadly, no one ever shows up in three minutes either.
In today’s America, people are addicted to convenience. Everyone wants to get where they’re going immediately. I’m no exception. So if anyone tries to throw you the “five minutes” routine, let them know they’re lying through their teeth.
“Relax, I’ll be there in five.”
“No, you won’t.”
“Wait, what?”