Dear Birdie: Sharing a friend group with your significant other

Written by Birdie, Graphic by Anna Porter

 Welcome back to “Dear Birdie,” a column where I do my best to offer guidance and some humor in response to questions from our college community! Throughout the column, I hope to help answer questions about anything and everything – from class troubles to relationship advice, movie recommendations and more. This column is anonymous, on both ends, so that you all can be more comfortable (and so I don’t have anyone tracking me down if my advice accidentally makes things worse instead of better). Which we’re going to hope and put out there that it doesn’t!

This week, we’re taking a break from the art world and stepping into an entirely new web of complexities: dating. 

“Dear Birdie, my boyfriend is in my friend group and we were all friends before we started dating, so now it’s tough to figure out when to be one-on-one with him versus when to hang out as a group. How should I balance those two versions of hanging out?” 

Ah, yes. This situation is extremely familiar to me, even more so because in my friend group there are three couples, and three of those people are roommates. When you’re in a relationship with another member of your friend group, spending time together as a couple vs. hanging out with friends can easily get muddled, especially if you were all friends before you started dating. 

In my mind, the best way to combat this is to carve out a few activities dedicated to you and your boyfriend so that you can spend quality time together. My boyfriend and I always have a show to watch and each week, we set aside time to catch up on our current show (recently, it’s been “The White Lotus”). It’s a nice, relaxing end to a long day and content time together. The only downside to this approach is that there’s not as much talking happening between you and your partner because you’re watching television. So, my boyfriend and I balance it out by going on walks around the city, which is probably my favorite way to spend time together; it gets you outside, you can talk to each other and it’s free! I know other couples who plan out a weekly coffee date or dinner date. Some like to do homework sessions to be productive and spend quality time with their partner. I think having a sort of routine that works for you would ensure quality one-on-one time.  

Now, for the next side of this struggle: friends. Since you’ve shared the same friend group even before you started dating, your friends have had the opportunity to see you and your boyfriend become closer to each other and grow into a relationship. Additionally, they know both of you beyond just being a couple. If it becomes a problem where one-on-one time always turns into a group hangout, it would be beneficial to discuss the importance of blocking out time for you and your partner. Your friends care about both of you – they would want you and your partner to flourish as a couple while also spending time with you (both as friends) regularly. That being said, the same suggestion of a routine could be applied to your friend group to ensure the needs of both sides are met. I am a big fan of the Saturday Farmers Market at Forsyth Park. It’s a great way to spend the morning with a group, checking out the many artisan booths and free samples. You could propose a game night, D&D night or even something as simple as dinner at Carnival on a set night after class; whatever gets your friend group together and is enjoyable for everybody! 

That’s enough chirping from me for now! 

Until next time, 

Birdie