By Deanne Revel
I recently had the pleasure of meeting singer/songwriter Matt Nathanson at Hill of Beans Coffee in the Savannah Mall. I also had the pleasure of meeting a radio personality from a local Savannah radio station, and this meeting was more memorable since: DJ got the digits.
On DJ’s Facebook profile, he posts some extremely compromising photographs. One picture features a girl’s pencil skirt busted in the back seam. The girl pictured was, in fact, wearing the skirt, despite the display of back-door nudity. This anonymous girl’s choice to wear such a thing was not my concern. My concern was that DJ’s tongue appears parallel to the exposed anatomy. Another picture features a girl licking DJ’s face.
Yet another picture features DJ with two ladies. I have no qualms with DJ standing with women, but I do have qualms with DJ stretching his tongue towards a maraschino cocktail cherry held by Lady #1. Both ladies already have their tongues on the cherry. It resembles an erotic combining-of-the-rings in “Captain Planet”—sans rings, powers or morals.
DJ’s MySpace page displays quiz results that state DJ is a “Freaky Kisser.”
Oh, no. I gave my number to a licker.
No licker is alike. Some are very shy and embarrassed about their preference. A relationship can go on for months before a licker licks. Some lickers embrace and externalize. This type is not opposed to licking a new acquaintance—especially if alcohol and dancing are involved.
I don’t care for lickers for multiple reasons:
1. Licking a girl on the cheek in public is like washing half her make-up off.
2. If the licker has not brushed his or her teeth in a while, there is a good chance food particles may still be on the licker’s tongue. Those food particles could accidently be transferred to the surface (usually visible skin) that was licked.
3. Licking is a slap (in the face!) to the mouth. Girls work hard at making their lips appealing. I use lip plumping gloss with collagen from God knows what animal blubber to enhance my lips. I enhance my lips so that they are kissable. I know I have great cheekbones. I don’t need anyone to lick my face sexually to demonstrate their admiration for them.
4. Too confident a lick can be perceived as the “gateway drug” to other bizarre, yet, affectionate, physical activities. Personally, I’m not down with sodomy, incest or bestiality. But it’s surprising how quickly others can associate licking with these. Licking, to some, is the Pandora’s box of sexuality.
He called. I answered. He asked. I confirmed.
Was I crazy to meet up with a licker? Well, maybe. This is what a fellow “District” writer and editor refers to as our “morbid curiosity.”
There is something more to DJ’s licker-exposing photographs. DJ has pictures with beauty queens—not divas, but legit winners with crowns and perfect hair. DJ has party pictures with some of the most plastic, polished, but effulgently beautiful women I have ever seen.
Thus, the “morbid curiosity” influenced question: What would a glamazon-licking DJ want with me? Note the “morbid fallacy” that can accompany “morbid curiosity”: If DJ Licker dates glamazons, then, if I date DJ Licker, I’m a glamazon!
Sure, curiosity can be a dangerous medium for the shallow and vapid. Undeniably, I have a lot of “morbid curiosity,” but don’t we all? I’ve heard of students looking up class rosters on Facebook to see if they have any classes next quarter with “total hotties.” That’s just shameless “morbid curiosity.”
Yeah, curiosity killed a few cats. DJ says I am “funny.” OK, so, I’m not a glamazon. I’m cute, not glamorous ,and I’m at least a foot shorter than the Amazon Woman. I know this. I knew I wouldn’t magically turn into one—especially via a licker.
I still don’t know how DJ Licker can get away with licking—rather than getting away with licking the grade “A” women he chooses to lick. I still don’t know why he wanted to see me, but when he kissed me goodnight on the cheek, I swear I felt a tongue moisten my Clinique blush. Resist “morbid curiosity” or you’ll get licked.
