Written by Amy Stoltenberg
Photo by Caroline Porter
I started off this summer skeptical of the overall concept of dating. After all, aren’t there better things I can devote my time to as I work toward a career than playing 20 Questions with somebody while giggling politely at their mediocre jokes over dry salad and diet soda? Over the last three months, I challenged myself to go on five separate dates with five separate guys in order to answer three questions: What exactly is dating? Is dating truly dying with our notoriously “hook-up” famous generation? If so, is it even worth saving at all?
As this summer comes to a close, you can now officially call me a filthy cat lady because most of my suspicions about dating have been confirmed.
Let’s take a second to review each of my four dates. The fifth date didn’t happen due to lack of devotion on my part.
In the beginning, there was Chaz, the coffee date that lacked chemistry. This is one of the main flaws of dating someone who you haven’t already had any kind of social interaction with: you have no idea if there will even be any sparks. Attraction should never be constructed or forced. If you go on a date with someone who you’ve never really interacted with, there’s the risk of zero chemistry existing which equals a tediously yawn-y date.
Apres Chaz was Santiago, the South American whose eating habits I deeply judged when I took him to my favorite cookie shop. The interview-style conversation and obligatory game of 20 Questions that occurred felt very “first-date” typical. This is cringe-inducing for me look back upon.
Then came Dan, my favorite date. This date was enjoyable because we shared similar intellectual interests, so the evening was at least mentally stimulating. Dan shares his kale chips with me to this day as we continue to unravel the secrets of the universe — platonically.
Lastly, there was Thomas. I’m still not really sure I even went on a date with him or if we just traded food commodities. It was fun, but inconsequential. From this I learned a more casual manner of “going out” is preferable to pre-scheduled dates.
One thing that all of the dates had in common was a slight feeling of ingenuity. I certainly wasn’t acting like my true sarcastic and dark-humored self, and I would bet these men weren’t, either. Each of us was acting like the cleanest, nicest versions of ourselves, which — let’s face it — makes for a pretty boring time.
As I was voicing these pessimistic musings to my married suburban aunt, she pointed out dating may really be something that is meant for older people in the workforce to get to know each other in a more casual setting, rather than exasperated 20-year-olds with a hormonal imbalance.
I think she’s right. Dating, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. If you like someone a lot and the idea of a face-to-face conversation over fried chicken and waffles sounds like a pleasant endeavor, then you go and enjoy that time. But if you think it’s awkward and it makes you uncomfortable? Take five years off. Invest your time in yourself and do things that enrich your life experience. In college, the best relationships don’t start over dinner at a five-star restaurant but in everyday life interactions like a collaboration or run-in at a sketchy weeknight party.
Dating may be dying for our generation right now, but maybe that’s not the worst thing. We should stop fighting the more casual relationship scene. Leave those stuffy first date conversations for grown-ups, and say hello to the commitment-free chat sessions and whatever modernizing invention that comes next. At least that way, when there’s no chemistry there, you can just turn off your phone.
