Is Phil A Phraud?: Punxsutawney Phil addresses the rumors

Written by Olivia Longoria, Graphic by Charity Anchors

*Disclaimer: District staff did not actually speak with Mr. Phil himself, this is a comedic piece about some real concerns in our country. SCAD District has no offiliation with Punxsutawney Phil or his team whatsoever.*

On February 2nd, America’s sweetheart Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, declaring six more weeks of winter. But after several years of wrong predictions, people are starting to talk. I sat down with Phil in an emotional interview to get to the bottom of his unraveling reputation. 

(Olivia) I want you to know that, despite being a big personal fan, in this interview, I will maintain journalistic neutrality. So, let’s cut to the chase. It’s no secret people are questioning you. They’re worried about your accuracy.

(Phil) I’m here to defend my legacy. 

(O) A man of few words, okay. You predicted six more weeks of winter just the other week. Some people are saying you’re wrong. They’re saying things like “I was sweating on my way to class” and “It’s literally 70 degrees.” How do you respond to those claims?

(P) I am a groundhog. I am doing my best.

(O) I empathize with you, Phil. Some wonder if the pressure may be too much. Does being in the public eye impact your ability to perform?

(P) Honestly, yes. This whole thing started over 100 years ago because a few German settlers in Pennsylvania wanted to have fun amidst a harsh winter. But now, thousands, millions of people count on me. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s not always fun anymore. (He frowns.)

(O) Wow, Phil. Thank you for your vulnerability. 

(P) Yeah, and you know what? There’s something I want to get off my chest!

(O) Okay, the floor is yours.

(P) Why isn’t anyone questioning my representatives? My interpreters? They are the ones who communicate to the masses whether I’ve seen my shadow or not, after all.

(O) What are you saying? Are you suggesting sabotage?

(P) All I mean is that there are other people involved here; I don’t think it’s fair to have the blame fall entirely on me! I am a groundhog.

At this point in the interview, Phil’s agent called him over for a quick word. He gave Phil a glass of something -what I’m not sure. But I did hear Phil utter, “No, it’s time to be honest.” 

Some moments later, Phil returned and had calmed down. There was an undeniably sinister feeling in the air.

(O) Are you okay, Phil?

(P) I am. I apologize for losing my temper. 

(O) It’s quite alright.

(P) Thank you for the opportunity to set the record straight. I’ve said all I have to say, for now.

At the end of the day, Phil is a groundhog, and he is doing his best. Though he was not able to say much, he alluded to a matter of misrepresentation. Perhaps his track record is the result of a young starlet burnt out, or perhaps it’s simply bad luck. Or, perhaps, further investigation into the integrity of Phil’s representative team is necessary. I’ll let you decide.