By Ben Wright
I drive a 1992 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. This car is older than some freshmen. It is gray, usually dirty, has 175,000 miles, is missing a hubcap and has a God-awful rattle that can be heard for blocks as I approach. The fastest I have ever driven was 95 miles per hour and my car began to shake a la “Back to the Future,” so I slowed down.
I’ve never really understood the obsession about cars. I prefer mine to run relatively well and start with a reliable frequency. I sort of knew what I was getting into as I settled into my seat for “Fast & Furious,” the fourth (Fourth? Really?) film in the franchise, sharing a name with the first film, minus some articles. This film reunites the four principal characters from the first film, sort of.
The tagline, “New model. Original parts,” gives an inkling of what the movie is, but no words can describe the actual result. It begins with a 20-minute prologue in the Dominican Republic, seen over and over in the trailers because it’s really the only scene with the foursome in the movie.
Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) departs fairly soon and the rest of the film focuses on the odd “bromance” between criminal mastermind-slash-good-guy-slash-best-racer-ever-slash-pathological-brooder Dom (Vin Diesel) and the equally wooden and laughably conflicted F.B.I. agent Brian (Paul Walker).
“Fast & Furious” takes place in a weird alternate universe where everyone’s actions are thudded with bass beats; where Los Angeles looks like a favela in some scenes and ultra sleek metropolis in others; where the Feds have technology that allows them to track individual cars via satellites and sexy touch screens and the Border Patrol is one of the most technologically advanced law enforcement agencies, but neither can catch groups of hundreds of people racing through the streets nor an armada of cars racing across the desert with millions of dollars worth of heroin.
The whole film is a predictable slideshow of vrooming and then brooding and then girls making out and then a chase scene in which Diesel ingeniously cheats life, death and physics.
If a woman is seen in the film, she is either making out with another woman or worshipping Diesel’s body and brooding sexuality.
Unfortunately, Diesel can’t brood very well so his frowns and gruff lines give the appearance of confusion, rather than a tortured soul motivated by revenge. Surprise, surprise.
The majority of the movie is visual pornography, with hot cars speeding and fast jerky shots interspersed with scantily clad women cheering the men on and forming harems around racers.
Diesel and Walker remain unaffected by the three women left with speaking roles (and erect nipples) who worship them. Their only function is to help the men out or make out with them.
Instead, the two male leads spend a lot of time coyly talking to each other, avoiding the elephants in the room and not making eye contact. It’s all very bizarre and vaguely homo-erotic.
Ridiculous plot, unbelievable characters, wooden acting and just general stupidity aside, this movie has even more to offer with its derisible product placement. Whenever characters drink on camera they throw back their heads and hold a can of Nos energy drink or Corona beer (label out!) and take cool, refreshing swigs over and over.
These characters are criminals, drug runners and kingpins smashing into cars on the streets of L.A. and almost running down pedestrians—all because they’re hopped up on Nos energy drink.
Nos banners are splashed over the sides of buildings and are plastered on the tanks of nitro. Walker slowly pours Castrol GTX into his car (for peak performance) before running heroin across the border.
Truly, Nos gives anyone the stamina to outrun the cops and Border Patrol. After a long, hard day of felonies it’s great to lay back with a Corona and let some chick grind on your leg before you walk away to flirt with your bros.
Speaking of ridiculous plot points, the racers follow a HAL-9000-esque female GPS, which outlines the race trajectory and looks oddly like a video game. Interesting.
When I try to consider whether this film is worth it, I can only say that if someone put a gun to my head and told me to buy another ticket and see this film again, I would close my eyes and welcome the sweet, sweet release of death.
Universal is developing a fifth “The Fast and the Furious” movie scheduled for release in 2012. Coinciding with the Mayan calendar running out, the Apocalypse is guaranteed.
