Savannah shows its true horrors
By David Cerón Giraldo
Whether you’re new to the city or have lived here for a while, you may appreciate Savannah’s long history with the supernatural. Yet, some spirits are more potent than others.
Pedal Pub
The pedal pub is advertised as a fun way to have some quality time with your friends, listen to music and annoy every living being within a six-mile radius. You have probably seen it in your nightmares, taking the form of an infernal device with four wheels, six to eight intoxicated riders and a horrifying load of fun. That is until you hear the ecstatic howling of its passengers, mixed with Hotline Bling, coming for you in the distance. My worst nightmare? A motion-sick passenger distracts the driver who slowly tramples my foot in the zaniest manner. This has led me to realize that an evil genius designed these beer buggies and introduced them to Savannah only to maximize the suffering of its citizens. Even now, their maniacal laughter is in the distance. But if the ghost of this chain-driven nightmare doesn’t (literally) keep you up at night, there’s plenty more to be afraid of.
Bridetribe
Hailing straight from the lower circles of hell, these beings always vary in shapes and sizes, like an unrelated cast of the Addams Family. One of the brides is always small and young-looking, another bride is tall like Frankenstein and the top bride is just a disembodied hand. Then, as in the most terrifying Hitchcockian scenes, the brides come down like vicious birds upon the McDonalds, where you’re coincidentally trying to buy a late-night dinner. They take an eternity to place an order, changing their minds every millisecond. You consider using the touchscreen to order as a last resort. Eventually, they get their food, but not before fighting the cashier on the fine points of their
Biking
If you’re not a biker then you might as well skip this whole section. Go ahead, I won’t be mad, just disappointed. Then again, disappointment is all bikers get on infernal historically-preserved roads. Since most city bikes are designed to ride on smooth asphalt, I do declare there should be a Savannah road bike, something like a sturdier mountain bike. You might say there is no need for such precautions but here I was cursed by the bane of irregular sidewalks and poor lighting conditions:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a curious volume of forgotten Art History lore,
While I rode, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
My front wheel falling in a pothole, and then a cracking,
A broken foot that shan’t be walked on nevermore.
Yes, this actually happened on the nightly trip. No, my foot’s not broken anymore, but I still yearn for my lover Lenore (who dumped me due to the fall) and she shall love me nevermore!
Thank you for visiting the city. Please exit through the gift shop.
