Bless you.
Photos courtesy of Netflix
It wasn’t my intention to review two martial arts films in a row. I initially picked “Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead” for this week, but I couldn’t get through the first five minutes. It was just that bad. So instead, I turned to a cult classic. Maybe one of these days I’ll muster the courage to finish “Poultrygeist,” but chances are slim.
If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: I love martial arts movies. Last week’s selection was a complete disappointment, but I’m glad to say that this beautiful sample of ’80s action cinema eased some of the bitterness that remained. Directed by Newt Arnold, “Bloodsport” has all the excitement, blood and sweat you want, with no real acting to get in the way of the fun.
Jean-Claude Van Damme stars as Frank Dux (a very real martial arts legend), a military officer who enrolls in a Kumite: a full-contact martial arts tournament welcoming
Did you seriously just rip off Bruce Lee?
fighters from all over the world to prove their strength. Over the next three days, he fights to make his Shidoshi proud, gets the girl and makes a steadfast friend while running from the military that seeks to keep him from participating in the tournament. It’s bloody and uncomplicated: just the way it should be.
Let’s not forget for a moment that this is a terrible movie, with a well-deserved 33 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. The dialogue and acting ‒ with some juicy moments of overacting ‒
are so simple you’d think the writer mashed his face into the keyboard. The unintentionally hilarious training montages and moments of sadness are cheesy and drowned in even cheesier ’80s music. The characters are one-dimensional at best, and you get the feeling the director really wanted you to know that these men were in shape: you can’t look away for two minutes without being accosted by male nipples. How many times do we really need to see a Van Damme signature split before we lose our will to live? This movie came close to answering that question.
Strong, but sensitive.
Frank Dux is adorable, even when he’s kicking someone in the face. Van Damme oozes a sort of twisted boy-next-door charm with a bit more kick. We can credit the characterization ‒ a sweet-natured guy only looking to make his stern mentor proud of
him ‒ but it’s hard to ignore the baby face and choir boy haircut. He’s your perfect noble action hero rebel-type: the kind of guy you’d introduce to your mother after he beat up a bunch of thugs because they were kicking a puppy. If there’s one thing Van Damme does better than epic splits, it’s charisma.
*sniff* He just wants to make his friend proud.
Even his BFF ‒ Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb, real-life ogre) ‒ fits in the same trope, just a tad more aggressive. He’s absolutely brutal in the ring, sporting only Harley Davidson shirts and the blood of his enemies. But in the same way Van Damme is both kick-ass and harmless, Gibb balances being a tank with an excited puppy. Ray latches onto Frank in minutes, and does his darnedest to impress him throughout. It’s precious, really. Like a shirtless and bloody Robin Hood and Little John, this physically mismatched bromance is sure to stand the test of time.
You brought an obvious recording device to an underground gladiator battle and call yourself and undercover journalist? What’s wrong with you?
The same can’t be said for the love interest, Janice Kent (Leah Ayres), a reporter trying to cover the kumite. She personifies the age-old action movie trope: pretty young woman who doesn’t approve of what her hubby’s doing because he might get hurt and then he wins and she changes her mind. Ayres comes off more like a Kindergarten teacher or a concerned suburban mom than an experienced journalist. I’m glad that Arnold didn’t make her a damsel in distress, but he did make her your run-of-the-mill buzzkill thrown into an absurdly rushed relationship. Of all the characters, she’s the least likeable. And that’s after considering that your main villain Chong Li (Bolo Yeung) kicks people in the throat and enjoys watching them die.
There are few things in life that make me as happy as this movie has made me. I’m glad this movie exists. I’m glad that there’s something I can watch that will leave me grinning like an idiot. Ironically or not, it’s earned my respect.
