The Binge Watcher: Dracula 3000

Photos courtesy of Netflix

This week I’m trying to hold back as much as I can. But I am only human and I have my limits. This movie tests my limits. 

You know there is a serious problem with a movie when its highlight is the three-minute intro sequence. This is also where — I assume — they spent 85 percent of their budget.

Lower your expectations, please.

There are “Dracula” adaptations, and then there’s “Dracula 3000,” which doesn’t know if it wants to be a sequel to the classic or a dirty space revamp. The story follows a six-person crew salvaging a Russian ship — the Demeter — in the Carpathian galaxy. As they board the ship, the crew of Mother III become the victims of Count Orlock (why do we have to bring “Nosferatu” in to this mess?): the ancient entity that killed the crew of the Demeter, and has awoken with a thirst for blood. The 86 minutes of blatant ripoffs, and a plot that cannot make up its mind, are painful.

The crew is comprised of your typical action sci-fi troupe of heroes, complete with their own video game style title cards.

First is Captain Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Dien), the handsome and rugged leader. Second in command is Aurora Ash (Erika Eleniak): the appointed — inappropriately dressed for space travel — Buzzkill Barbie of the crew,

And he’s a mouth breather.

always wanting to stick to the rules, and Orlock’s main squeeze. Then there’s The Professor (Grant Swanby), your average smart guy in a wheelchair, and Mina (Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld), the navigator intern who is clearly in her thirties but the pig-tails let us know she’s much younger. Lastly are Humvee and 187 — played by Tiny Lister and Coolio respectively — the sex-crazed muscle and the stoner whose purpose on the ship is unclear. Each character has their moments, but for the most part they’re fairly one-dimensional. It’s hard to blame them when their lines don’t offer much support. Even Orlock couldn’t catch a break: Langley Kirkwood plays the saddest, lamest frat boy vampire I have ever seen.

Oh, Coolio.

Someone must have told director and co-writer Darell Roodt that all of his sexist jokes were hilarious, because they never end. It’s not entirely surprising, considering that this is at its heart, an action film. But do we really need vamped up Coolio monologuing for way longer than necessary about his “stroking his anaconda?” Roodt must have also had a crush on Van Helsing (who will now be referred to as Van Handsome), considering most of the footage includes a perfect shot of his perfectly chiseled and scruffy jawline.

Captain van Handsome is on patrol.

Someone else must have told him that he was philosophical genius. When the crew come across the desiccated corpse of the Demeter’s captain, they are all puzzled at to what the “metal plus sign” in his hand is. Van Handsome, in his dark and brooding way of answering questions, informs them that it is a crucifix. The film is set in a future where religion and all religious propaganda has been banned for centuries, so everyone else is in awe at the discovery. Just as 187 storms off, after Van Handsome refuses to let him search the body for “substances,” Humvee quotes a religious phrase; this makes no sense considering the ban. To Roodt’s credit though, we get the single most meaningful, meta moment in the entire film.

Ooooooohhh, we’re getting deep!

Are we to assume that there’s an underground faction of worshippers that we don’t know about? Like many other things in this disaster of cinema, we don’t go any further.

An appendectomy does not a heart-stabbing make.

Coffins explode, people are mysteriously bitten and any basic understanding of anatomy flies out the window. If Orlock is an alien, then was Dracula an alien that came to earth? But he knows who Van Helsing is, so are they actually the same person? And since nobody on the crew knows what vampires are, was Stephanie Meyer never born thereby not grossly popularizing the teen vampire romance genre?

There are so many inconsistencies, you spend most of your time wondering how you got to where you are in the first place. It’s exhausting wasting so much mental effort on a movie so utterly bad.

Nay, the biggest question is this: why are you watching this movie to begin with?

Tell that to the costume designer. And the director. And the writer. Just redo the whole thing.

Sara Terrell