By Jordan Wannemacher
Well folks, if you just couldn’t get enough domestic violence out of Gary and Amber or your appetite for Farrah-esque mom fights just wasn’t fulfilled in the first Teen Mom, MTV has a treat for you: “Teen Mom 2.” More trash for my Tuesday? Why, thank you MTV, I don’t mind if I do!
First on the roster for Teen Mom 2 is “daddy’s girl” (although I prefer the nickname “leopard girl”) Chelsea. She sort of takes the role of last season’s Farrah, fully equipped with a choppy DIY dye job on her bangs, cheesy friends and an annoying Midwest accent. Did I mention she has leopard print on her keyboard?
Chelsea makes me want to scream. She is that annoying friend that never stops “on-again, off-again” dating the same loser slimeball just because she’s too stupid to realize that being alone is better than being with someone that, well, sucks. Will someone please give this girl the “people don’t change/you can’t change people” talk? Where is her mother anyways? In the words of her roommate, “Adam needs to turn good.” Listen to your dad, or even your roommate… please, for your child.
Next on the roster is my favorite Pennsylvania hot mess: Kailyn and Joe. “Teen Mom 2” has been a total catastrophe for their relationship.
Kailyn got the brilliant idea to start dating a new guy behind Joe’s back (albeit, Joe drops her off for their “dates” in the park). She consults her friends on what the “best” way to inform Joe of her new relationship with Jordan. They all come to the cleverly brilliant solution to just simply change her status on Facebook to “in a relationship.” Which would only be slightly immature and cowardly, except, oh wait, Joe’s parents that support her also have Facebook. Smooth move Kailyn. Way to think that one through.
Wholesome West Virginia couple Leah and Corey, have special circumstances that set them apart from the rest. They procreated a set of twins after a one-night stand. This would be a perfect time to make a joke about the “relations” in West Virginia, but I’ll refrain.
As easy as it is to laugh at their white trash, Appalachian antics throughout their “on-again, off-again” drama, the health condition of their daughter Ali is actually really sad. I have no beef with them because they’re handling it really maturely (for once on this show).
Last but not least y’all, the North Carolinian that has a special place in my heart–sigh…Jenelle. And by special place, I mean a place where I want to strangle her and plant a nice full palm right across her face.
Jenelle has wasted hours screaming at her mom and has spent all of 5 minutes with her son, who is unfortunately named “Jace.” Jenelle just can’t seem to stop “pawtying” and won’t be “respahnsahble,” and Grandma Barbara is pissed, and filing for custody. I don’t blame her. Jenelle is still under the impression that she can “hire” a lawyer for “cheap” to try and battle her mom in court.
Maybe you should stop telling every lawyer that you’re jobless, homeless and an illegal drug user if you want a shot at getting your kid back, sweetie.
That little curly fry baby of hers is the cutest one on the entire show and he’s completely neglected. I’m sure when Janelle walks in the room he has no idea who the strange gap-toothed redneck is trying to put clothes on him that aren’t even the right size.
Hey MTV, I have a better idea for a reality show. Let’s get some of those poor women from Oprah that are crying after spending thousands of dollars on in vitro fertilization and still can’t seem to get pregnant. We’ll send them over to Janelle’s house to get that poor curly fry out of there. Let one of those loving and responsible women take care of that him, because quite frankly, Janelle makes me sick.
Just remember, kids, teen pregnancy is 100% preventable.
