What are The Squirrels Planning?
Written by Matthew Thompsen. Graphic by Avery Melhado
What is the deal with the squirrels? It’s a question most would ask only with a smile on their face and a chuckle in their throat, but I assure you this is no laughing matter.
Squirrels (though they may seem cute and cuddly) are a grave threat to the health and safety of our citizens. Electrical fires, rabies, and falling on people’s heads are but a few of the dangers these furred menaces unleash upon us, and Savannah suffers from this pawed and clawed hazard more than any other city.
Savannah squirrels are frankly insane. They are the most insane squirrels I have ever seen, and I say that as a person who once traveled as far as South Carolina. I believe this insanity can’t be attributed to animal instinct alone, but rather a coordinated conspiracy on the part of the squirrels to disrupt our way of life.
Now I know this may seem like the ravings of a homeless meth addict, but I assure you I am quite housed. In fact, I’m prepared to present solid evidence of my claims.
I was once like you, a SCAD student innocently going about his business, ignorant to the truth, but now my eyes have been opened. Stick with me dear reader and you too shall come to see these squirrels as predators that come for us all with bushy tails and black button eyes.
1. Running out in front of cars
I know you’ve seen it. A squirrel weaving through traffic like a drunk on a Saturday afternoon with no regard for their life or the laws of the road. The unaware will say they do this because they’re “just animals” and “don’t know any better” but those of us in the know understand that this is part of their masterplan to bring down our civilization.
Think for a moment, if you were trying to covertly collapse a civilization, how would you do it? By having them destroy themselves. So, consider why a squirrel might choose to run in front of a car, knowing it may die. Squirrels are cute. People like them. They will stop their cars if they see one in the road. What’s more likely to happen when people are slamming on their breaks? Car accidents.
2. Biting the hand that feeds
Picture this, if you will: a warm, spring day in Forsyth Park, picturesque in its beauty, warm, birds chirping overhead, couples picnicking on the grass, and myself sitting on a bench, soaking it all in with trail mix in hand.
From this scene of epicurean bliss, a squirrel approaches silent as the reaper himself. It looks me up and down, and I figure it may appreciate a nut from my trail mix. As I stretched out my hand in warm fellowship with this creature it bit into my finger with enough force to draw blood. I had to spend $500 testing whether I had been infected with rabies. This is by far the most any animal has cost me. A most insidious plot to weaken me through my wallet.
3. Spying on me
For the past three months, there has been a squirrel spying on me through my window. No doubt to monitor my movements and ascertain what level of threat I pose to the coming revolution.
Its eyes follow me no matter which its head is turned. There is no space in my apartment where it cannot see me. I hesitate even to go to the bathroom for fear that it will see me there too. It watches my every step, my every breath within my apartment. I can feel its eyes burrowing into me while I sleep.
It’s a crafty one. I’ll sometimes go days or even weeks without seeing it, as though it weren’t constantly watching me, but I know better.
It knows I know. It tries to fool me, changing its fur color and size. No doubt this would work on a lesser man, but I know its tricks. I’d shot it like I did the last one, but my landlord said if I did that again I’d be sleeping on the streets. I can’t take that risk, not when the Squirrelluminati out to get me.
They come for me even now. I must get the word out before they get to me. Denizens of Savannah I beg you, do not trust in these four-legged fiends, fall not for their wiles of cuteness and innocence, safeguard your homes, your families, your very civilization from these vile invaders else you may find yourself in the same perilous plight that threatens to consume me.
