By Kenneth Rosen
For every bacon-loving, red-blooded American in search of a heart attack, Baconalia has arrived.
Since its inception earlier this month, Baconalia had been a sort of mystery to me. Denny’s released a menu — limited time only, of course — that offered rich platters devoted to the pig, or, more specifically, bacon.
Hearing this, and being a devout bacon-eater, I knew there was only one thing to do: venture out and hopefully leave the nearest Denny’s with my arteries still in tact.
The second I saw that the menu’s insert was a tri-fold brochure with the silhouettes of simmering bacon, I knew I hadn’t prepared myself. Aside from their regular menu, the Baconalia menu has seven additions that can only be found in this special insert — one per table.
I made up my mind quickly. If Denny’s would be sending me to my grave, it’d be with a bang, in a shower of bacon bits and strips — something special. Thus, I ordered the Maple Bacon Sundae.
I laughed, I cried, and at one point almost puked on the person sitting across from me. Leaning over my dessert at 11 a.m., I used my tongue to scoop the first bit of bacon and ice cream off the top, but that was the best part. It went downhill from there, fast.
One would imagine that bacon and ice cream wouldn’t go together, but with the maple-flavored syrup, it wasn’t indigestible. After the initial blow, realizing what in fact you’re really eating, your stomach lurches.
Somewhere between the first layer of ice cream, bacon and syrup, just when I thought the worst had subsided, I was met with a second layer. Denny’s, in knowing that the quasi-tar substance acts as super glue to the skin, should provide its patrons with a longer spoon. Trying to dig the remaining bits and ice cream from the middle layer left my wrist and fingers covered in syrup.
I made the mistake of finishing my dessert and now regret wasting my pocket change on the over-hyped, inadequately dressed with little-to-no-bacon Maple Sundae of Disappointment. Maybe next time I’ll go for the Ultimate Bacon Breakfast. It’s probably the safer choice.
Ultimate Bacon Breakfast:
Calories – 920
Cholesterol – 470
Bacon Flapjacks:
Calories – 1040
Cholesterol – 455
Pepper Bacon & Eggs:
Calories – 800
Cholesterol – 440
Triple Bacon Sampler:
Calories – 760
Cholesterol – 510
BBBLT Sandwich:
Calories – 1410
Cholesterol – 70
Bacon Meatloaf:
Calories – 780
Cholesterol – 150
Maple Bacon Sundae:
Calories – 810
Cholesterol – 150
