Running Away from Your Feelings? Brianna Wiest Says Turn Around
Written by Camryn Carmichael. Graphic by Avery Melhado.
In her best-selling book, “101 Essays to Change the Way You Think” author Brianna Wiest sets the barometer for emotional maturity, a skill that can never be in too high a supply. “Real emotional maturity,” she writes, “Is how thoroughly you let yourself feel anything. Everything. Whatever comes.”
Available on Thought Catalog, Wiest’s fifth installment in this collection, “What the Feelings You Suppress the Most Are Trying to Tell You” was the call-out this eldest daughter needed. As a child, it was easy to push my emotions aside. With busy parents, a younger sibling and an old soul I decided being the slightest burden, even emotionally, was a fast track to the back burner. I was always commended for my good behavior and helpfulness. Thus, I grew afraid of being excluded and getting in anyone’s way.
In school, for example, I wanted to prove that I wasn’t like other kids who would scream when the lights went out or when someone popped an Uncrustables bag. At family gatherings, I wanted to prove I was the most respectful to my parents and doting on our aging relatives. Even in my friendships as an adult, what starts as being eager to lend a hand or a listening ear always slips into blurry boundaries and a low priority placed on my feelings.
Still, it seemed an easier pill to swallow than being labeled annoying, boring or needy. And when the fear of falling out of favor grew too much, it became instinctive to shut down. But choosing to go numb, though easy in theory, proves harder in practice for a fundamental reason: “Numbness is not nothing, neutral is nothing,” Wiest writes. “Numbness is everything all at once.”
Clearly, my attempt to pregame disappointment wasn’t the nonchalant chess match but a desperate round of “the floor is lava”— and I was losing my balance. We’re human, not props. If someone forgets your birthday, ignores your invite to lunch or tags everyone else in a photo it’s okay to feel disappointed and, better still, to ask yourself why. “You miss so much by trying to change every one of your feelings or thinking there are some that are right or wrong or good or bad…,” she continues. “All because you’re afraid that you’ll tell yourself something you don’t want to hear.”
In reading this essay, I realized that my fear of being disappointed by other people creates an unfair situation for everyone involved: others in my mission to make rejection impossible and myself by establishing such an unrealistic standard. “Sadness will not kill you. Depression won’t either. But fighting it, ignoring and trying to escape it will.”
