How to Lose a Roommate in 10 Days
Written by Miha Palancha. Graphics by Laura garcía.
Want your roommate to move out? Here’s a 10-day guide to becoming unbearable
Are you tired of sharing your living space with another human being? Looking for that sweet, sweet solitude that only comes from driving someone to find alternative housing?
Look no further. This 10-day guide will help you transform from a tolerable roommate into an absolute nightmare. Results guaranteed.
Day 1: Establish dominance through sound
What you’ll need: Bluetooth speakers, questionable music taste, alarm clocks.
Begin your roommate-repelling journey by establishing an unbearable soundscape. Set multiple alarms for random times throughout the night, preferably with different tones. When you’re both home, blast your most polarizing music at volumes that make conversation impossible.
Remember: bass-boosted Fred again at 3 a.m. shows true commitment to the cause.
Pro tip: Learn to play a particularly challenging instrument you have no talent for. The recorder, guitar (like Jake Peralta in that one interrogation) or trumpet are excellent choices.
Day 2: The food heist
What you’ll need: A healthy appetite for other people’s food.
Today’s mission is simple: Eat their carefully labeled leftovers and leave the empty containers in the fridge. Bonus points if you leave exactly one bite of their favorite dessert. When confronted, maintain unwavering eye contact and say, “I thought we were sharing everything.”
Pro tip: Replace their premium coffee beans with cheap instant coffee. Don’t switch containers, just mix them together.
Day 3: Become one with nature (indoors)
What you’ll need: Various “pets,” real or imagined.
Announce your new passion for wildlife conservation by turning your shared space into an impromptu animal sanctuary. Start small with a terrarium of crickets that “accidentally” escape. Work your way up to more ambitious projects like “rescuing” a raccoon that you swear is just “shy around new people.”
Pro tip: If real animals seem like too much commitment, simply leave trails of birdseed or peanut butter throughout common areas to “attract local wildlife for observation.”
Day 4: Personal space? Never heard of it
What you’ll need: Boundary issues, a complete disregard for privacy.
Today, become uncomfortably interested in every aspect of your roommate’s life. Follow them from room to room while maintaining constant conversation. Sit uncomfortably close during shared TV time. Read over their shoulder. Ask deeply personal questions while they’re trying to study.
Pro tip: Start using their personal items without asking, like their toothbrush, deodorant or face wash, and act genuinely confused when they seem upset.
Day 5: Time to redecorate
What you’ll need: Questionable aesthetic taste, zero joint decision-making.
Without warning or consultation, dramatically transform your shared space. Paint an accent wall neon green. Replace all light bulbs with unsettling colors. Hang uncomfortably large portraits of yourself in common areas. When questioned, insist you’re “bringing some life into this place.”
Pro tip: Cover every surface with aluminum foil to “protect against electromagnetic waves” and refuse to elaborate further.
Day 6: The fine art of not cleaning
What you’ll need: Selective amnesia about household chores.
Today, develop a sudden inability to see mess. Leave dishes until they develop their own ecosystems. Create laundry mountains that reach architectural significance. When confronted about the chore chart, appear genuinely surprised that it exists, despite having discussed it multiple times.
Pro tip: When you finally wash dishes, leave them “soaking” for several days. Advanced technique: learn the phrase “I was going to clean that tomorrow” and use it religiously.
Day 7: Become a nocturnal creature
What you’ll need: A complete disregard for sleep patterns.
Shift your schedule to become active exclusively between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. Prepare elaborate meals, rearrange furniture or practice your tap-dancing routine during those hours. When your roommate emerges, bleary-eyed and desperate for sleep, cheerfully ask why they’re up so early.
Pro tip: Set up a full home gym in the living room and use it only during prime sleeping hours. Make sure to grunt enthusiastically with each rep.
Day 8: Start a collection
What you’ll need: Dedication to an unsettling hobby.
Begin collecting something bizarre and space-consuming. Empty pizza boxes arranged by delivery date. Mannequin parts organized by body segment. Bottles of your own tears labeled by the sad movie that prompted them. The key is volume, your collection should gradually consume all shared spaces.
Pro tip: Insist on explaining the historical significance and emotional value of each item whenever your roommate brings friends over.
Day 9: Become the social director
What you’ll need: A revolving door of questionable friends.
Turn your apartment into party central. Invite people your roommate has never met to hang out indefinitely. For maximum effect, schedule gatherings during their biggest deadlines. Act wounded when they don’t want to participate in your impromptu 3 a.m. karaoke session.
Pro tip: Loan your key to at least seven different friends who “might need to crash sometimes” without telling your roommate who they are.
Day 10: The grand finale
What you’ll need: Commitment to the bit, zero shame.
For your final act, combine all previous tactics into one magnificent day of roommate repulsion. Host a 24-hour celebration of your new taxidermy hobby while reorganizing the furniture at 2 a.m., cooking fish in the microwave and inviting your performance art collective to rehearse experimental noise poetry.
When they finally snap, look hurt and say, “I thought we were getting along so well.”
Pro tip: Begin subtly packing their belongings into boxes “to be helpful.”
Disclaimer: SCAD District does not endorse actually using these tactics unless you want to lose more than just a roommate, like your security deposit, friends or possibly face legal consequences. This article is satire. Please be kind to your roommates.
Need a real guide on resolving roommate conflict? Check out our next issue for “How to Actually Communicate With Your Roommate Like an Adult.”
Miha is a first-year Graphic Design student, minoring in Motion Media and UX Design. She loves writing, recording, and designing cool things for District. Otherwise, you’ll probably find her at a coffee shop, listening to Taylor Swift and designing or animating something cool 🙂
