More than 400 people have been killed or injured in more than 200 school shootings since Sandy Hook, 18 of which have occurred in 2018 alone. Threads on threads of aggressive, condescending and hateful social media posts explode then fall into archives within days, never to be brought up again until the same tragic violence hits headlines once more. I lived through a school shooting four years ago and wrote this piece in October last year when 58 people were killed in a mass shooting at an outdoor concert in Las Vegas. It wasn’t published at that time, yet it continues to hold horrific relevance because our hearts are still hardened to real change.
December 13, 2013, pierces the sound of gunshots and fire alarms into my perspective thinking indefinitely. As a survivor of a high school shooting, I am still mourning and healing from the most traumatic event I have ever experienced. I am only one among 2,000 students and faculty who found refuge in dusty dark corners and silence on this horrifying afternoon, and only one among millions whose story is redefined by an unnecessary, malicious and brutal violence.
Meet PTSD.
In 4 days time, 4 months time, 4 years time—it still stings. It’s jumping at door slams, blaring fire alarms and the sound of lockdown, lockdown, lockdown, on repeat. It’s a follower; a lurker; a slithery, sneaky, rotten thread of thinking: it’s a throat clenching reminder of a traumatic event, triggered by present stimulation.
Society invites us into horrifying, disgusting, disturbing and insensitive news stories which glorify traumatic events to an inhumane extreme. For us watching, we can only sympathize for a moment before unanswered texts and the evening’s to-do lists demand our attention. Over time, as the unaffected, we accumulate microscopic revelations like “enough is enough,” “I can’t believe what the world has come to,” and “something needs to change.” We are well-intentioned and we do care, but we “move forward.” Rather, we jump ahead to wherever time raced off to, remaining stagnant until terror reaches our news feed again.
Depending on its heaviness, sometimes we look up and encounter the same revelations once more. However, we look up more often than we used to–we watch natural disasters and mass shootings live and feel the burden of suicide daily, while more and more of us carry the overwhelming burden of PTSD.
For those of us affected, maybe minutes, days, months, years, decades ago, we carry the burden that most think of only once constantly. For me, it’s been over four years. Fire alarms and the dark still haunt me; the pain is reawakened without warning or reason. Elementary, middle and high schoolers shouldn’t know spiderwebbed corners like the back of their tiny hands. Imagine a staring contest with death and you are the one to blink first. Healing still hurts. The weight of the world feels much heavier when you are carrying it alone.
As people, as lovers, as creators, we cannot leave our revelations in the past, we must tune our hearts to be constantly aware of others, not ourselves. We must comfort, love and sympathize, because someone else’s internal battle is invisible unless we inquire. We should not hate on, discriminate, bully, ignore, or glorify brokenness. We should not support or ignore violence.
We must rid the world of its motivation to destroy by spreading constant love.
PTSD does not expect those unaffected to understand, it does not ask for attention or gratification. PTSD seeks gentleness, awareness, and mindfulness in “are you okay, today?” “what do you need from me?” and “I’m here for you.” This is a permanent baggage, but it does not define or confine us. We have the power, authority, and right to live in peace, strength, and joy.
We cannot control what has happened to us or the stimulation which shakes us, but we can control our response. We can, will, and do, choose life. With eyes which can see the hurting, hearts which can empathize with the pain, and bodies which can make something happen, our complacency can no longer be tolerated. I urge you to become alert for your love is needed.
Written and illustrated by Jordan Petteys.
