Ten from the Top: things I thought I’d never have to do for work
Ten from the Top is the weekly column of the very honest and often snarky thoughts of District’s editor-in-chief.
I absolutely hate not doing something. Anything. I am a busy hardworking person that spends more time at the office than parties (insert sad horn sound here). Because of that, I have held more jobs than I can count and, more often than not, held multiple at a time (my record is four). So, I also had quite a few times when I had to step back and seriously consider what the hell I was doing at this job for this to be a reasonable request, especially at $6.72 an hour.
- Running back and forth from the office to the parking lot to offer complimentary umbrella services.
This also included passing a towel that I had in my bag around the office to everyone who did not take me up on my services (I mean, hello. Donations were accepted but not mandatory) until it had enough water to fill a pitcher, a big pitcher.
- No, sir, this kid that I’m carrying isn’t my daughter, I’m her nanny.
If she was my daughter I would have gotten pregnant at fifteen. Do I look like I got pregnant at fifteen? OK, yes, I realize it might be weird that I keep her car seat in my car at all times, and yes, I do have her shoes in my bag, can we please just move on now?
- Oh my God, what is that awful smell?
I think something crawled in my car and died, ugh, and I have to drive home like this after a nine hour shift with that damn fryer sputtering the whole time. Ugh, it’s just awful, you know? This is just my luck. After everything, maybe I should check under the car for it? Wait. Oh, no (sniff, sniff) it’s me, I smell like fries!
- Selling half price snow cones to boys at the pool snack bar.
They got excited when I would give them the flavorless ice for less because it made their snowball fights far less sticky.
- Learning a variation of Mandarin,
so that I could discipline the young boys that learned cuss words in another language before coming to summer camp. Was I really going to learn all the cuss words I could in Mandarin? No way, I barely function with English. But I did learn how to say “I heard that” and that shut them up real quick.
- Can you run and get the extra inventory out of the staff restroom?
Some lady on the floor is asking for this in blue, it should be in the box on the floor next to the plunger, but not the box that has the plunger in it, that’s clearance.
- Sir, I need to see your ID to buy that, it’s store policy.
Yes, I do realize you are over twenty one, you are my Dad, I still have to see it though.
- Can you get the cookie dough ice cream with the purple and yellow sprinkles.
But they only have chocolate and rainbow? Yeah, you have to get rainbow and pick out the purple and yellow sprinkles for her.
- I learned two choreographed dances and one A Cappella song for a flash mob at camp.
We must have spent hours on those songs and, in almost every performance, we were in a mask but, more often full-on costume, including, but not limited to: wedding dress, yip yip aliens, dinosaur hunter, TV newscaster, tomato and assistant to the great and powerful philosopher Reid.
- So, if anyone works at an office you will no doubt steal office supplies,
you know pencils, pens, sticky notes, note cards, the works. I will never forget being asked to get some extra pens from one of the stores I worked at to bring over to the other store because, and I quote, “This Was War!”
