Written by Danny James. Graphic by Avery Melhado.
“Go jump off that cliff,” he said.
Of course, I didn’t go and do that. But, it was some of the best advice I have ever gotten in my life. It may sound harsh and it may come across wrong, but what they were really saying was take risks, enjoy life, and don’t let fear control you. I remember nodding my head and smiling when they said it. I went off and did not apply it to my life at all. This fall season, I have finally decided to.
I have spent the majority of my early twenties in two back-to-back, long-term relationships. The kind of relationships where you have a regular Friday night dinner spot, where you order the same thing and then go home and watch the same kind of movie. They were the kind of relationships where I would just say yes to my partners, but not to myself. After so many years, I lost myself. I looked around my apartment, the apps on my phone, and in the mirror and saw reflections of these other people.
When did I download so many premier league soccer trackers? When did I trade my maximalist apartment décor for minimalist black and greys? Why did I look more like myself in high school than I did at twenty-two? How jarring it was to see a stranger in myself.
Now, I am single. For the first time in my adult life, I am able to see what I want. For the first time I have gone out downtown, watched house-shows and drag shows. I have allowed myself to say yes to every opportunity to experience life. For the first time, I feel like myself.
Simple things bring me so much joy now. Going to a house-show and returning to a friend’s house to play Apples to Apples. We sat on the floor in a small circle, snacking on animal crackers and matching answers in the most outrageous ways. Who knew a children’s game could keep us up and entertained until 1 a.m.?
Saying yes to everything that comes to me has been life changing. Am I tired? Absolutely. My bedtime was normally 10:30 p.m. every night, but now I find myself up and out far past midnight.
It all comes down to saying yes to me. I allow myself to be happy. Do I want to stay inside and play video games until my butt falls asleep? Do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to make a heaping pile of pasta and watch the same TV show for the millionth time? Yes. Yes to everything. Yes to me.
I worried that saying yes to myself would lead me to forget my goals and slack on my work, but I have never felt more motivated in my life. My work feels more well-rounded. I feel more passionate. I have more to say and so much more to share. When I look behind me, I don’t regret anything. Those relationships and decisions have molded me into who I am. I needed to learn and experience so I could grow. Every time I say yes to something, I feel the future becoming open to me.
Now, I can finally say I jumped off that cliff.
